| Prom |
[13 Apr 2008|08:31pm] |
I got my dress today and I love it. I just wish that stupid Sean would take me. He is being so difficult, but he is also being amazing. Ugh. I love my dress. Yay for fairy skank!
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| <3 |
[06 Apr 2008|07:25am] |
I truely hope that the butterflies in my stomach never go away. Last night was wonderful.
Ugh, Sonoma keeps looking more and more appealing...
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| Beach! |
[28 Mar 2008|10:57pm] |
So Ari and I went to Santa Cruz today and it was nice for like 2 hours and then it POURED. Ha ha, it was so much fun. We took hella random pictures and made little metal things that are adorable (I put mine on my keys), and probably the best photobooth pictures I have ever taken. Look at facebook for them if you are interested.
Sean hasn't really talked to me in like 5 days... ugh, it sucks.
I love Ari, and I love Sean, and I love feeling loved in return.
Going to check out Sonoma tomorrow with my mom, and Sean comes home (I just don;t know what time) so hopefully I will get to see him.
I am happy.
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| Trouble in Paradise Already... |
[21 Mar 2008|04:49pm] |
So Sean's parents think that he hasn't asked me out yet, so they keep having "talks" with him about it as a possibility. The latest is that they don't think it will change anything in our relationship (since we have been basically emotionally married for a couple of months) so they don't see why it needs to be taken to the next step. They told him that he can't date me unless he comes up with "good" reasons about how it would change us and why it is nessisary. He told them that it will bring us closer together emotionally, and obviously it would bring us together physically. They told him that these aren't good reasons and that we don't need to be official. They told him that when he is 16 he can date anyone he wants without their permission, so he should just wait until then. Um, ILL BE 400 MILES AWAY AT COLLEGE! When he pointed this out they said "oh, then she can date college boys..." What the hell? They told him that "there are chemicals in his body that will make him not want me to leave for college" if we are together, don't they realize that he already doesn't want me to leave? They say that they are protecting him from being heartbroken in a couple of months, but I wish I could show them how upset he is with them for not letting us be together. I know that I sound like a whiney little girl right now, but it is really important to me not to have to hide anything from them.
Another thing that I have been freaking out about is that a week before he asked me out he told me he wanted to date Amanda. He told me that she was out of his leage and that he could never get her. He also told me that he has liked me since December. How does that make sense? If he wanted to date me for months, why did he tell me that he wanted to date her? He said that he was trying to confuse me and make me jealous... WELL IT WORKED! And they are becoming really close friends now and she is so pretty, and I have so many insecurities about it. I am not sure that Sean wants this with me. It was the first thing I asked him before I said yes, but I am still not sure. It seems to me that if he really wanted to be with me he wouldn't let his parents say no. Am I just a back up cause he can't have Amanda? She called while we were on the phone last night and after he hung up with me he called her back. I don't want to get hurt. I don't trust him, I want to but I don't.
I told him all of this, he knows all my doubts and I told him that at this point I don't see us ever becoming what we want. He got really upset with me. He said he was really sad and dissapointed because I sounded like I didn't want it. He said that we care about eachother the same amount but I am just more insecure so I think that he doesn't care about me. Why can't I just let myself be happy.
We went out to dinner with his parents last night and I was bummed because we were with them the entire time I was there (cause I had a 10pm curfew and got there at 8:30) and I just had to sit there pretending not to know that all week they have been telling him that they don't think we need to date. He's gone until next Saturday. Ugh, lonely weekend.
I just want us to be perfect like I know we could be. What more could a girl ask for? my best friend who I have been in love with for like 6 months. He makes me so happy. I hope I don't get hurt.
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| Fuck you telling me I should go to De Anza... |
[17 Mar 2008|09:41pm] |
I GOT INTO WHITTIER!
best fucking mood of my life.
*dances*
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| Looks like I'll have a prom date after all... |
[16 Mar 2008|10:20pm] |
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Sean just asked me out. THIS is me floating.
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| I loved today. |
[16 Mar 2008|12:31am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
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Honestly everything was so amazing, and the last 3 hours were just bliss.
Also, Powder = WTFmovie? and Ellen Page is after your balls.
Sleep well, and may your dreams be as wonderful as I'm feeling.
This is me floating by the way.
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| Julia's a Slut? No Way. |
[13 Mar 2008|03:45pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
So I think I am well on my way to becoming a total and complete whore. I will spare you all the details, but it just seems to be the other side of my fear of rejection. If I do things that people want me to do then they will probably like me. If they don't then my self-concious gets reassured that I actually am as repulsive as I view myself and surprisingly the confirmation helps because then I feel like I was at least right about being gross. It is just very nice to feel wanted, and I am not getting that from very many other aspects of my life right now. So as I not planning on making a habit out of this I really don't think there is that much to worry about, but at the same time I can easily see myself becoming easy. At least I realize this now so that I can stop it, but next time darling don't tell me I'm a slut, realize that it is some deep phycological self-esteem problem. Ha ha.
In other news Sean wants to date this other girl, but now I can't even be jealous because I haven't really been "faithful" to him. Not that there is really anything to be faithful to, but before we decided that we wouldn't date eachother, but we wouldn't date anyone else either. I think I accidently gave him permission, but that wouldn't have happened if he had decided that we should be more then more then just friends when we had discussed it.
I am really sick right now and it hurts like a bitch to swallow and I have 2 projects due on Monday.
Can I please just be done with high school already?
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| I love UCSC |
[08 Mar 2008|08:09pm] |
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That is all I have to say. I will definitly be visiting more often. Last night was amazing.
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| Im not pregnant! |
[29 Feb 2008|01:01am] |
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I just got my period! (I think)... which normally wouldnt be a big deal.... but I havent had it in 5 months, and now i dont have to go see a doctor or anything. yay!
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| 1,160 Miles in 4 Days |
[21 Feb 2008|12:01am] |
Chico - I could be ok with going there, but it seemed a little shabby. It's an ok size and has a 23 to 1 sstudent/teacher ratio. The people are really relaxed and no one that I talked to seemed to care about the academics half as much as the parties that rockstar energy drinks host. The Early Childhood Development classrooms look amazing and (I am such a nerd) I was looking at the textbooks for my courses and I got all excited because it sounds like so much fun. They have a daycare that is used for the Junior and Senior ECD students to interact and observe the kids. Class and work experience.
Disneyland - So much fun, except my mom got really sick so we left earlier then we had anticipated and didn't get to do as much as usual, but I still loved it. The new finding Nemo find was very cool, but the line was way to long.
Chapman - Ok, so I didn't even apply there. I took the car and left my mom in the hotel and drove from Disneyland to meet up with Andrew. It is such a nice school, he took me into the film department building and it is intense! They have all these editing rooms, and sound stages, and a full huge movie theatre that they have screenings of random things on everyday. It is amazing. Andrew also showed me his dorm which was 50x better then the ones at Chico. Mainly Chapman was only fun though cause I was with Andrew and I miss that boy so much. Oh, and it was super raining and I got soaked and it was cold.
Whittier - I am in love with this school. There are 1,200 students and currently 280 people in the freshman class. I knew it was small, but in camparison at Homestead we have 2,100+ students and 520 in my graduating class. It's about 75 acres and is gorgeous. It's on the side of a hill and overlooks all of the LA area. The building are really pretty and all the stuff just got remodled in the past 3 years. Get to live in the dorms all 4 years and no parking fees and freshman are allowed to have cars. There is an elementry school on campus that all the ECD get to work at. OMG, theres so much other stuff. i LOVE it. I better get in.
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| How to Lose a Friend in 10 Days |
[15 Feb 2008|09:24pm] |
I just watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days... wow, I do everything that they were making fun of. haha, I guess I already knew that, but still.
So I am going to the ballet tomorrow, work on sunday, then after work am driving to Chico, then Disneyland, then Whittier, then home for 4 days of parties and such... so of course I am randomly extremly sick. My nose/throat is so sore. I am hoping that it is just some random allergies and that claritin will take care of it, but that is looking doubtful.
Valentines Day was actually really good overall. It had its shitty moments, but it also had its amazing moments.
<3
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| Lonely Livejournal |
[13 Feb 2008|09:10pm] |
I think I have more ex-best friends then I have current normal friends. My lit teacher assigned us a project to find someone that we had a falling out with and make peace with them because we are seniors and if something happens to that person we don't want to be on bad terms, then she wants us to write a paper about it. First thought was of course Claire, because the example she gave us was very similar to what happened with us, then I decided that I don't think that would be a good idea, so I was thinking Fiona. I miss Fiona so much, I never got closure with her. She's my facebook friend still, but I am so afraid to talk to her. I also don't want to talk to her because I know that we can never have what we had, and I think that would just hurt. Kaitlyn would also be a good person, but I think that we aren't really on bad terms, just really distant.
I don't know, I will probably just end up bs-ing the entire paper.
But what happens when they make me apologise to everyone I hurt in my 12 - step program? How will I deal with this then?
Ugh, too much shit has been going on in my life to even think about this right now.
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| Others Girls Just get Chocolate... |
[02 Feb 2008|06:22pm] |
Sean bought me a fish for Valentines Day! haha, It's name is Yuoko Claude. <3
I got him a jacket, not quite as cool but it was vintage from the 70's and he likes it... just his parents hate it.
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| Lions, and Tigers, and College! Oh My! |
[01 Feb 2008|07:26pm] |
So this week I managed to get my Whittier App sent in. Yes, it takes a true sob story to get 2 letters of recomendation (one from the Dean) and my transcript sent in 4 days. Haha, and my myth teacher is now gone, and we have a really really cool long term sub... so kinda hoping that my teacher just decides to stay home and be a mommy instead of returning in April. College stress is over. All I have to do is wait to see what Whittier says, and go on tours of the campus during winter break (yay for visiting a school near Disneyland!).
In other news I haven't been to any sort of therapy for 2 weeks, and I thought my appointment was today, but it was yesterday. So I have to wait until The 21rst. It's nice not to be in the intensive program anymore, but I kinda miss being able to have her move people so that she could see me every couple of days. But... I really think the whole no therapy thing is starting to take a toll on me.
I was supossed to hang out with Sean tonight, but he's sick. So... being the cool kid that I am, I am spending my Friday night home alone cleaning my pores. I am just that hardcore.
I have been trying to do my school work as much as possible, and so far I am doing a really good job. And I got my report card yesterday, and even though it is one of my worst GPAs, I am prouder of it then I have ever been of any other report card... except they didn't give me honors credit for my french class. hmm...
Lent starts next Wednsday... I want to give up like 10 things, but.... I can't give them all up because then I would pretty much eat nothing for 40 days... so Idk.
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| Real Update Tomorrow (technically today) |
[29 Jan 2008|12:22am] |
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So everything I have written this week I look back and am like "damn, this is hella good"... well, obviously not in my lj... but my lit teacher is making us write an essay everynight for the next like... forever, and I did Whittier writing samples and I am very proud of them. I am usually an ok writer, but never superb. I think something about bullshitting papers at midnight that appeals to my author-ism.
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| Pretty much I suck at Life |
[26 Jan 2008|05:22pm] |
So I was so expecting to fail at school that I had kinda given up on my Whittier application. So I got my Monterey acceptance letter today, which means that every school I DID apply to I got in. So now I am totally beating myself up about not really pursuing the whole private school thing. Tonight I finished my actual app and the other random thing I had to turn in... but I now have until Thursday to get my teacher evaluation and stupid Mrs. Chan in the Career Center to fill out some random school forms for me. SHIT.
I know Whittier is a long shot, but I want it so badly.
---------EDIT EDIT EDIT---------
my horoscope for today:
Virgo: A big accomplishment will encourage you and motivate you to work even harder for one of your dreams. .
Creepy right?
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| The Food wasn't even good |
[24 Jan 2008|09:01am] |
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Got the hospital bill today. $78,000. That is like 2 Priuses and a first class Dinseyland experience. I feel hella bad. That is $5,200 a day! Staying locked up in a shithole, even if it is the most respected private shithole in this part of California, is so not worth that. I think Fremont was only like $700 a day. Oh well, insurence is going to cover about $67,000... but I still feel bad.
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| Oh My Goodness |
[23 Jan 2008|10:12pm] |
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mood |
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needy |
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I got all C's or above!!!!!! This is the hardest i have ever busted my ass for school and it so payed off... but now I have to focus on my Whittier app that I started like 5 months ago but is due in like 8 days. Oh shit. I'm not sure if I even still want to apply... it was so set in my mind as my top choice, but the more research I am doing the more I want to go to Chico. Well, I am gong to send in my application because I know that if I don't I will always wonder, and if I don't get in it will be no big deal.
Sean is dramadramadrama. Oh my goodness, that boy. Ok, well oh my goodness this girl too (meaning myself). Basically I was stupid and sent him this email (very similar to the texts that led to the death of Claire and my friendship, except over a different subject matter). The email basically said that I was too attached to him and thought that we are unhealthily codependent. I mentioned that if it was anyone else I might say that we should tone things down for a bit, but i didn't want to do that with him because I was afraid that we were going to lose our us-ness. Well, he didn't get it at all and decided that it was me telling him that I didn't want to be his friend and that we needed a "thinking break" (<-- sound familiar), from experience I knew that thinking breaks do not work for me, and I ended up crying all night and being super upset. The next day he calls and starts talking about family guy, and how pretty he thinks I looked at formal, and how much he was going to miss me when he goes on his jazz band trip this weekend... um. WHAT THE FUCK?! so we talk for 2 hours, and then he says he has to go to sleep, I ask him if we were going to talk about the night before and he replied "no, we are just going to forget about it". So happy that we are still friends, but kinda mad that I wasted so much energy being upset that he told me we weren't going to talk.
Meredith is in the hospital for heart problems because of her eating disorder. Thos things fuck you up so badly, they might move her to Herrick once her imediate health is stable. Oh the things we will have to discuss. But prayers for her because she really is amazing and I hate to see her have to go through this.
Oh, and found out one of my closest friends was really into coke and was hiding it from me, even when I suspected and asked her. So really upset about that, and now that I know she thinks it's ok for her to talk about it all the time. And apparently she told Sean the 2nd day she met him. Thanks for that.
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| StupidStupidStupid |
[20 Jan 2008|06:14pm] |
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Why do I always go and sabatage things when they are going well for me.
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