shes got no clue

I do not know what to do.

2009-09-11T22:04:02Z

I am lost.

I lj reminisced Last Night

2009-03-24T21:16:43Z

I have discovered that I love reading old lj entries. So I am going to try to write in here again.

At the moment I am very happy.

I talked to Eric last night. It was weird. We like, aren't being friends again, but we are? I don't know.

Sean is being friend-like again. I am butthurt I am #3 on his myspace top 8... seriously. It is like sophomore year drama again for me... but I guess he is still a sophomore so it is appropriate.

I have to go to Anthro no... first class of the day cause I have no english this week. woo.

I just took an hour an a half bath at 1 in the morning

2009-03-06T10:47:26Z

no. nothing is wrong. why would you ask?

I just think that it is ridiculous that it has been a year since lent last year (aka, a year since I stopped regularly hurting myself in the form of cutting), and STILL whenever I am upset in any fashion it is the first thing that pops into my mind. I seriously find myself fantisizing about it. It was the one thing that I could always always count on, and now I have trained myself to not want it, the only problem is that I ALWAYS want it.

I do this with relationships too. I know someone is bad for me, I know that I am getting hurt, but I want it so badly because even though it hurts me, in the end I am so much happier with the person.

Ok, here is the story:
Sean is in Rohnert Park tonight. He was supposed to be coming tomorrow and staying for 1 night. He is staying for 2. The reason I cannot see him is because he is only here for 1 night. Hmm, how does that work out? Also I find out that he has been here for hours and is already too drunk to make coherent sentences to explain himself.

I hate that I have had so much therapy that I know exactly what I am doing. I know exactly what I should do, and exactly why I am not doing it. I often wish I could just go back to being able to bitch about how the world is against me, but I guess the whole wanting to live thing and recognizing that this will pass thing is a pretty good trade off.

How can I have worked so hard, yet still be so unstable? I find that I have a whole new list of problems now that I understand my old ones. The main new one being that I overanalyze everything to the point that I drive people crazy and get really upset about stuff they didn't even know that they did.

I think I may go sleep naked tonight. I feel like being rebelious and it is too late to go out and get high or drink or anything. Also, I just shaved my legs with a brand new razor and I love that feeling against the sheets.

baths>cutting.
well, no they don't, but...
baths>more.socially.acceptable>cutting.

I canceled my plans to go to the city this weekend to stay to hang out with this asshole. Why does he do this to me? Oh wait, therapy taught me why.

A little Early, but I am afraid I will forget

2008-12-26T05:44:02Z

Ok, Resolutions for 2008:
- Stop Cutting, I don't need as badly as I used to and would love to have it out of my life for good
- Graduate High School on time
- Go to College (Whittier, Chico, or MassArt hopefully)
- Have a Relationship (or at least be open about my feelings)
- Lose the weight I gained in 2007
- Pass Pointe Test (get my splits)
- Stay OUT of Hospitals and Outpatient Programs (after I graduate the one I am in)
- Take my medication seriously
- Get back into the habbit of going to the gym
- Improve my Self-Esteem
- Survive

I actually did pretty well on my new years resolutions from last year. I only really missed the "improving my self-esteem" one... which is kinda a miracle. I think that 2008 was overall a pretty good year. I hated a lot of social aspects of it, but I think that I grew up a lot and figured out how to set goals. However, I need 2009 to be better.

Resolutions for 2009:
- Get my splits back, perfect a pirouette, feel accomplished in my turn-out improvement
- get at least all B's in my classes
- lose the weight I gained back after I lose it in 2008 (like 10 or 15 pounds)
- either get back with Sean, or get over him

College

2008-08-24T02:44:01Z

So I am in my dorm. It still hasn't hit me.

What Have I done?

2008-08-13T09:00:06Z

I just deleted Sean from my life.

Hello Good Day

2008-07-12T08:43:12Z

Tonight was the night that I always imagined having a boyfriend would be like.

I called Sean to break-up last night

2008-06-17T15:05:36Z

By the end of the conversation I had convinced him to break up, while he convinced me that we need to stay together.

Fuck you irony.

HHS Class of 2008

2008-06-07T01:34:29Z

Senior Checkout ended today! I managed to get a C in my math class (which I am thrilled about) and everything is going perfectly. Graduation is next Thursday! I am so excited. I'm all grown up.

postity post post

2008-05-22T05:38:33Z

My life right now:

- prom next week with Melissa
- Lit final tomorrow with my group that I was absent when we picked so it will suck, but then that class is over
- need FNHS one more activity and 45 more min comunity service to get my cord for graduation
- I have been having anxiety attacks that have been causing me to miss school, causing more anxiety
- totally unprepared for my dance recital in 3 weeks
- totally unprepared for graduation in 3 weeks
- being sent back to IOP after said dance recital is over
- way too many doctors in my life right now
- preparing to never see anyone that I grew up with ever again
- Sarah's party on saturday with my old "friends" that will be awkward for everyone I am sure
- Beach with Evida, Jose, and hopefully Sean
- Sean and I are THE most disfunctional couple ever, but it seems to be working for us
- and so much more that I can't even think of right now.

I do not know what the fuck is wrong with Sean and me. Like, we were perfect best friends, but now I am kinda missing that. He thinks that we have gotten closer, and I think he has just started to take me for granted. But then, he will do something unbelievably sweet and adorable and I will forget that we were just fighting. I am so insecure. It is really hard for me to be with someone who isn't 100% open with their emotions (and Sean is a 50% on a good day). I just like to know that he actually does care, cause almost everything we fight about is caused by me doubting him.

Fuck, he just sent me a text saying that he's grounded. No beach on Friday. I hope it was nothing I did.

Prom

2008-04-14T03:32:45Z

I got my dress today and I love it. I just wish that stupid Sean would take me. He is being so difficult, but he is also being amazing. Ugh. I love my dress. Yay for fairy skank!

<3

2008-04-06T14:26:55Z

I truely hope that the butterflies in my stomach never go away. Last night was wonderful.

Ugh, Sonoma keeps looking more and more appealing...

Beach!

2008-03-29T06:01:13Z

So Ari and I went to Santa Cruz today and it was nice for like 2 hours and then it POURED. Ha ha, it was so much fun. We took hella random pictures and made little metal things that are adorable (I put mine on my keys), and probably the best photobooth pictures I have ever taken. Look at facebook for them if you are interested.

Sean hasn't really talked to me in like 5 days... ugh, it sucks.

I love Ari, and I love Sean, and I love feeling loved in return.

Going to check out Sonoma tomorrow with my mom, and Sean comes home (I just don;t know what time) so hopefully I will get to see him.

I am happy.

Trouble in Paradise Already...

2008-03-22T00:14:09Z

So Sean's parents think that he hasn't asked me out yet, so they keep having "talks" with him about it as a possibility. The latest is that they don't think it will change anything in our relationship (since we have been basically emotionally married for a couple of months) so they don't see why it needs to be taken to the next step. They told him that he can't date me unless he comes up with "good" reasons about how it would change us and why it is nessisary. He told them that it will bring us closer together emotionally, and obviously it would bring us together physically. They told him that these aren't good reasons and that we don't need to be official. They told him that when he is 16 he can date anyone he wants without their permission, so he should just wait until then. Um, ILL BE 400 MILES AWAY AT COLLEGE! When he pointed this out they said "oh, then she can date college boys..." What the hell? They told him that "there are chemicals in his body that will make him not want me to leave for college" if we are together, don't they realize that he already doesn't want me to leave? They say that they are protecting him from being heartbroken in a couple of months, but I wish I could show them how upset he is with them for not letting us be together. I know that I sound like a whiney little girl right now, but it is really important to me not to have to hide anything from them.

Another thing that I have been freaking out about is that a week before he asked me out he told me he wanted to date Amanda. He told me that she was out of his leage and that he could never get her. He also told me that he has liked me since December. How does that make sense? If he wanted to date me for months, why did he tell me that he wanted to date her? He said that he was trying to confuse me and make me jealous... WELL IT WORKED! And they are becoming really close friends now and she is so pretty, and I have so many insecurities about it. I am not sure that Sean wants this with me. It was the first thing I asked him before I said yes, but I am still not sure. It seems to me that if he really wanted to be with me he wouldn't let his parents say no. Am I just a back up cause he can't have Amanda? She called while we were on the phone last night and after he hung up with me he called her back. I don't want to get hurt. I don't trust him, I want to but I don't.

I told him all of this, he knows all my doubts and I told him that at this point I don't see us ever becoming what we want. He got really upset with me. He said he was really sad and dissapointed because I sounded like I didn't want it. He said that we care about eachother the same amount but I am just more insecure so I think that he doesn't care about me. Why can't I just let myself be happy.

We went out to dinner with his parents last night and I was bummed because we were with them the entire time I was there (cause I had a 10pm curfew and got there at 8:30) and I just had to sit there pretending not to know that all week they have been telling him that they don't think we need to date. He's gone until next Saturday. Ugh, lonely weekend.

I just want us to be perfect like I know we could be. What more could a girl ask for? my best friend who I have been in love with for like 6 months. He makes me so happy. I hope I don't get hurt.

Fuck you telling me I should go to De Anza...

2008-03-18T04:42:36Z

I GOT INTO WHITTIER!

best fucking mood of my life.

*dances*

Looks like I'll have a prom date after all...

2008-03-17T05:22:12Z

Sean just asked me out. THIS is me floating.

I loved today.

2008-03-16T07:34:06Z

Honestly everything was so amazing, and the last 3 hours were just bliss.

Also, Powder = WTFmovie? and Ellen Page is after your balls.

Sleep well, and may your dreams be as wonderful as I'm feeling.

This is me floating by the way.

Julia's a Slut? No Way.

2008-03-13T22:59:06Z

So I think I am well on my way to becoming a total and complete whore. I will spare you all the details, but it just seems to be the other side of my fear of rejection. If I do things that people want me to do then they will probably like me. If they don't then my self-concious gets reassured that I actually am as repulsive as I view myself and surprisingly the confirmation helps because then I feel like I was at least right about being gross. It is just very nice to feel wanted, and I am not getting that from very many other aspects of my life right now. So as I not planning on making a habit out of this I really don't think there is that much to worry about, but at the same time I can easily see myself becoming easy. At least I realize this now so that I can stop it, but next time darling don't tell me I'm a slut, realize that it is some deep phycological self-esteem problem. Ha ha.

In other news Sean wants to date this other girl, but now I can't even be jealous because I haven't really been "faithful" to him. Not that there is really anything to be faithful to, but before we decided that we wouldn't date eachother, but we wouldn't date anyone else either. I think I accidently gave him permission, but that wouldn't have happened if he had decided that we should be more then more then just friends when we had discussed it.

I am really sick right now and it hurts like a bitch to swallow and I have 2 projects due on Monday.

Can I please just be done with high school already?

I love UCSC

2008-03-09T04:10:44Z

That is all I have to say. I will definitly be visiting more often. Last night was amazing.

Im not pregnant!

2008-02-29T09:04:11Z

I just got my period! (I think)... which normally wouldnt be a big deal.... but I havent had it in 5 months, and now i dont have to go see a doctor or anything. yay!

1,160 Miles in 4 Days

2008-02-21T08:24:33Z

Chico - I could be ok with going there, but it seemed a little shabby. It's an ok size and has a 23 to 1 sstudent/teacher ratio. The people are really relaxed and no one that I talked to seemed to care about the academics half as much as the parties that rockstar energy drinks host. The Early Childhood Development classrooms look amazing and (I am such a nerd) I was looking at the textbooks for my courses and I got all excited because it sounds like so much fun. They have a daycare that is used for the Junior and Senior ECD students to interact and observe the kids. Class and work experience.

Disneyland - So much fun, except my mom got really sick so we left earlier then we had anticipated and didn't get to do as much as usual, but I still loved it. The new finding Nemo find was very cool, but the line was way to long.

Chapman - Ok, so I didn't even apply there. I took the car and left my mom in the hotel and drove from Disneyland to meet up with Andrew. It is such a nice school, he took me into the film department building and it is intense! They have all these editing rooms, and sound stages, and a full huge movie theatre that they have screenings of random things on everyday. It is amazing. Andrew also showed me his dorm which was 50x better then the ones at Chico. Mainly Chapman was only fun though cause I was with Andrew and I miss that boy so much. Oh, and it was super raining and I got soaked and it was cold.

Whittier - I am in love with this school. There are 1,200 students and currently 280 people in the freshman class. I knew it was small, but in camparison at Homestead we have 2,100+ students and 520 in my graduating class. It's about 75 acres and is gorgeous. It's on the side of a hill and overlooks all of the LA area. The building are really pretty and all the stuff just got remodled in the past 3 years. Get to live in the dorms all 4 years and no parking fees and freshman are allowed to have cars. There is an elementry school on campus that all the ECD get to work at. OMG, theres so much other stuff. i LOVE it. I better get in.

How to Lose a Friend in 10 Days

2008-02-16T05:27:51Z

I just watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days... wow, I do everything that they were making fun of. haha, I guess I already knew that, but still.

So I am going to the ballet tomorrow, work on sunday, then after work am driving to Chico, then Disneyland, then Whittier, then home for 4 days of parties and such... so of course I am randomly extremly sick. My nose/throat is so sore. I am hoping that it is just some random allergies and that claritin will take care of it, but that is looking doubtful.

Valentines Day was actually really good overall. It had its shitty moments, but it also had its amazing moments.

<3

Lonely Livejournal

2008-02-14T05:19:11Z

I think I have more ex-best friends then I have current normal friends. My lit teacher assigned us a project to find someone that we had a falling out with and make peace with them because we are seniors and if something happens to that person we don't want to be on bad terms, then she wants us to write a paper about it. First thought was of course Claire, because the example she gave us was very similar to what happened with us, then I decided that I don't think that would be a good idea, so I was thinking Fiona. I miss Fiona so much, I never got closure with her. She's my facebook friend still, but I am so afraid to talk to her. I also don't want to talk to her because I know that we can never have what we had, and I think that would just hurt. Kaitlyn would also be a good person, but I think that we aren't really on bad terms, just really distant.

I don't know, I will probably just end up bs-ing the entire paper.

But what happens when they make me apologise to everyone I hurt in my 12 - step program? How will I deal with this then?

Ugh, too much shit has been going on in my life to even think about this right now.

Others Girls Just get Chocolate...

2008-02-03T02:24:41Z

Sean bought me a fish for Valentines Day! haha, It's name is Yuoko Claude. <3

I got him a jacket, not quite as cool but it was vintage from the 70's and he likes it... just his parents hate it.

Lions, and Tigers, and College! Oh My!

2008-02-02T03:34:50Z

So this week I managed to get my Whittier App sent in. Yes, it takes a true sob story to get 2 letters of recomendation (one from the Dean) and my transcript sent in 4 days. Haha, and my myth teacher is now gone, and we have a really really cool long term sub... so kinda hoping that my teacher just decides to stay home and be a mommy instead of returning in April. College stress is over. All I have to do is wait to see what Whittier says, and go on tours of the campus during winter break (yay for visiting a school near Disneyland!).

In other news I haven't been to any sort of therapy for 2 weeks, and I thought my appointment was today, but it was yesterday. So I have to wait until The 21rst. It's nice not to be in the intensive program anymore, but I kinda miss being able to have her move people so that she could see me every couple of days. But... I really think the whole no therapy thing is starting to take a toll on me.

I was supossed to hang out with Sean tonight, but he's sick. So... being the cool kid that I am, I am spending my Friday night home alone cleaning my pores. I am just that hardcore.

I have been trying to do my school work as much as possible, and so far I am doing a really good job. And I got my report card yesterday, and even though it is one of my worst GPAs, I am prouder of it then I have ever been of any other report card... except they didn't give me honors credit for my french class. hmm...

Lent starts next Wednsday... I want to give up like 10 things, but.... I can't give them all up because then I would pretty much eat nothing for 40 days... so Idk.